Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Innovative Definitions

I received an email with these cleverly made-up definitions, and thought I would share the humor with you all:

"New" Words:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Alternate meanings for common words:

coffee: the person upon whom one coughs.

flabbergasted: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk.

willy-nilly: impotent.

negligent: absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

lymph: to walk with a lisp.

gargoyle: olive-flavored mouthwash.

flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.

testicle: a humorous question on an exam.

rectitude: the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist.

oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism: the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


Kathy said...

Thanks for the laughter. These were great!

Donna said...

That was so fun to read! I especially loved the alternate defintion of pokemon!