I interrupt this trip...

I must pause in my long, drawn out string of pictures & posts about our cruise to Alaska. I am just too sad right now.

My friend Crystal has been told some bad news. Her cancer has spread to her brain, and the tumors in her lungs have grown. They are stopping the chemo, and starting radiation in order to shrink the size of the tumors and give her some relief. She should be going home from the hospital in the next couple of days under hospice care. I have prayed and prayed; I have cried and cried. She is such a wonderful Christian mother with seven little children to raise!

Tomorrow is Fathers' Day. I need to get my act together and get or do something for Lance, but instead I'm just grieving over not having my dad. I'll read a little article about creative Fathers' Day presents, and just think about how my dad would have loved them.

I guess death is supposed to be sad. We're not supposed to like it. I feel for Tim Russert's family, because I know the shock and grief they're experiencing right now. Tim was born the same year as my dad, and it sounds like his death was just as sudden.

My dad had so many people depending on him. Crystal has so many people depending on her. As much pain as I have felt over losing my dad, thinking about the what Crystal's family is experiencing right now is just unbearable.

Thank you for your prayers

I just want to thank everyone for praying for me and for my family. I have felt much more peaceful today than I thought I was going to.

Lance took the day off and spent it with me. We walked over the Walnut Street Bridge, where my dad took his last step, last breath, one year ago this morning. It is so beautiful, I know why he loved jogging across it.

We went to the Riverpark and let Connor & Noelle play, remembering all the fun times there with my dad, and appreciating the hard work he put into that park and walkway along the river.

We went to the cemetery. His space seemed so small to me. I am glad he's there by the duck pond where so many children have fun. And he's a stone's throw from the softball field where he played for so many years.

Now we're going to spend the evening with my mom and siblings.

I want to leave you with a link to Lance's beautiful post about time spent with my dad:
http://lancespot.blogspot.com/2008/03/in-memory-of-mike-howard-gifts-of-time.html

The first anniversary, without

Today was my parent's wedding anniversary. This day was very hard on my mom. Last year, my dad got finished with a meeting early, called my mom, and they went out to eat. She said it was such a nice dinner; the food was perfect, their conversation perfect. They had no idea it would be their last anniversary.

~

My father's father died in his sleep at the age of 62. After his death, my father began exercising passionately. He was always active, but this was when he really began jogging. That was in 1980, and he exercised just about every weekday since. I think he didn't want what happened to his father to happen to him. He didn't want to leave his family early, he wanted to live a long time. He loved kids, and really loved his grandkids. Of course, they loved him too!

~

My dad really enjoyed exercising. He jogged, swam, did the resistance circuit, took aerobic and spin classes. He was great at water skiing. He loved playing tennis, basketball, volleyball, and softball. He had regular checkups. Sometimes with a death there is something to blame - another person, an unhealthy lifestyle, a disease. With my dad, there is nothing to blame. In fact, what weighs heavily on my mind is how hard he worked to keep himself healthy, to be there for his wife and family.

~

Of course, I am thankful that I did get to have him in my life as long as I did. And, on this anniversary, I am grateful to my parents for showing me a loyal, committed marriage. I hope you all enjoy these photos taken at my parents' wedding, today's date, so many years ago.

~

Slipping into the past

Something I'm struggling with right now is the way my dad is slipping into the past. He's becoming part of history. I know this is how it works, but it's difficult to process.

Thinking of family members who are alive is so different from thinking of ones who are not. It's like when I finish a really, really good book and I don't want it to end because I want to know more about what the characters do after the final words. My dad's book is over, and it ended so suddenly, without a nice wrap-up. Like someone snatched it out of my hands while I was in the middle of reading it.

Happy and Sad

I am often asked how I am doing. You probably are frequently asked that also, as it is a very common question to ask and be asked. But now, the people asking me really do care how I am doing (not that they didn't before), and the question is asked with more feeling and emphasis. It is hard for me to answer, because I know what they are asking (How are you coping? How is your grief? How can we help?), and because there is not a simple answer. Some moments I am just so sad. Other moments I am happy. I have many, many things to be thankful for and be happy about. Wonderful memories with my dad make me so happy, but also make me cry because... that's it -- the end has come to making memories with him. What I have is what I have.

I am mentioning this because I think I will start blogging about both the happy and the sad, the funny and the painful. If it becomes too much, I will stop; but I want to see if it will help me. Not only to communicate with you all, but also to have this little journal to be able to look back upon myself.

So, prepare yourselves for the unexpected when you check my blog. You may read about something happy with cute baby pictures, or you may read something entirely different. To some extent my blog has already become that way, so perhaps this entry is my way of explaining it.

Father's Day

I have thought a lot about what to write today.
I think I'll keep it brief.

I am so thankful that I had a dad who:
Loved me unconditionally;
Instilled a strong work ethic in me;
Taught me to turn to God and His Word in times of distress.

What I am missing the most:
Daddy laughing so hard during card or board games with us that tears stream down his face;
Daddy dancing and acting silly in the kitchen;
Daddy telling stories that made everyone laugh;
Watching him play with my children with complete enjoyment;
Seeing his smile, hearing him say my name, being hugged by him.

I love him so much and I am so proud of him. Someone said to me: "I heard about your father's promotion to Heaven" and ever since, that is how I view it. I can't wait to see his smile again.

Fear Not

What is death? What happens after death? What exactly happens immediately after we die? How does God answer those questions in the Bible?

As you can imagine, I have been thinking a lot about the topic of death. A very dear relative of mine attends First Presbyterian Church (PCA) of Jackson, MS, and amazingly they are currently doing a special series on this very subject. They have something called podcasts of this series on their website, and I have been listening to them. They are so wonderful.

Here is the link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FirstPresFearNotHeaven

As of today, there are three sessions posted:
1) What is Death?
2) What Happens After Death?
3) What Happens When Christ Returns?

The second session - What Happens After Death? - was as if God heard my questions and sent this message just to me. I wish everyone who has ever lost someone could listen to this. It has made me so happy for my dad, for where he is, for what he is experiencing right now.

Listening to these podcasts is as simple as going to the link and clicking on one of the the mp3 files. It will play for you right over your computer. You can also right-click on a file and save it to your computer.

My heartfelt wish is that you set aside time to listen to this short series. I promise it will be worth it.

A Sudden Loss

Most of you who read this blog already know that last Wednesday I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dad. All the sadness and troubles I've experienced previously in my life cannot compare to this. He was so young and healthy. He had so much energy and life. I am still in shock. The waves of intense sadness and grief still wash over me. I love him so much and miss him so much. He has left a huge, gaping hole in our family, as well as our church and his office.


I am so thankful that I moved back to Chattanooga in August of 2004. My main reason for moving was to be near my family, but I never dreamed something like this would happen. I am so thankful that I got to spend so much time with my dad, and that he was able to spend time with us. Here are some wonderful pictures of my dad with Connor when Connor was just a year old, at the Hamilton County Fair. As you can tell from the pictures, my dad thoroughly enjoyed showing all the animals to Connor.